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The Soft Cedar Smell of Sexy...Or, Occupational Therapists Get No Respect! Or, STILL, Bambi's Bodacious Boulders And How Austin Puts The Shock In Chakra!

Duck Duck Goose now an Olympic event with an elite training center
Hey, buddy! Can you keep a secret? Let’s hope so, because this week’s episode of Make It or Break It was a fertile ground of secrets to share, secrets to shatter, secrets to uncover, and secrets that kill! Grab some of Kim’s pork chops and pass the corn medley, because there’s quite a meal in Boulder this week, and you’re going to need the buddy system to chew through it.

New coach Darby is once again tapping into her inner pagan by using the classic “Reverse Duck Duck Goose” model of positive reinforcement. The girls of The Rocky Mountain Gymastics Center are sitting in a non hierarchal circle, offering compliments to Payson in the mush pot. Payson and Lauren are doing as good of a job hiding their snippy dislike of being co-captains as they are hiding that they’re ogling the boys on the rings. Darbs has just the solution to this rivalry, in the fan-flippin’-tastically named exercise called ‘Learn My Routine.’ Since it’s entirely unclear by the name, she goes on to explain this is when gymnasts buddy up and learn each others routine. I’m hoping later on in the season Darby will straighten out just what goes on at the vaguely named “Pizza Shack,” since I’ve been puzzled just what that name means.

I thought this was a steam bath? Whatevs?
Kaylie’s in a circle of her own, a support group of anorexics and startling spiky hair disorders, one in which she just doesn’t see her place. Fortunately, Maeve, her old devilish roommate from rehab comes roaring up in her bitchen convertible, just in time to save Kayliekins from a chubby autograph seeker and to get her to a steam bath. Maeve once again has the secret key to get Kaylie out of doing anything that directly addresses her eating disorder – she suggests Kaylie turn the parents against the therapist. Kaylie ponders, nodding and keeping an enormous towel piled on her head as only an elite gymnast can.

Kaylie says, "Whatevs?" to rehab.
Payson and Lauren are buddied up in the ‘Learn My Routine’ exercise, which, again, it's easy to be tricked by the name, so let me make this clear just in case there’s some misunderstanding: this means Payson has to learn Lauren’s routine on beam, and Lauren has to learn Payson’s routine on the uneven bars. Get it now? I’ll go slower if you’re unsure. The cheese stands alone, though, and loner Emily is tapped by Darby to buddy up with her, while the boys get to sit and watch it all. Who coaches the boys, anyway? I guess there are no longstanding traditions of men sitting in circles.

Bodacious Max and his Boulders...Or, Jesus! This guy is HOTT!
New boy Max, who came to The Rock with his buddy Austin and his obsessive web crush on Payson is suddenly perking his eyes up at the leo-clad Lauren spreading her legs on the beam like a Vegas show girl. Oh no! Does this mean Max is changing his meal plan, since She-Ra Payson is all steak and no sizzle? The loyalty of boys crushing on girls is a tenuous one on MIOBI, and Max may be Team LoLo now. Lauren’s got it in person, it seems, no matter how great Payson looks on YouTube.

Speaking of web voyeurism, newly deflowered Emily is checking in on flower picker Damon’s web page, pondering the deal with the NGO devil she made and how she could possibly play the fiddle better so she can escape from her crossroads of choosing love or gymnastics. She’s taking it out on poor one-overcoat Chloe, who is once again hiding her vinyl bra and stressing about getting to her “call center” job on time. Chloe is still keeping this double life under wraps, although one wonders how long this can last.

Much like wondering how long Kaylie’s treatment will last, as she masterfully, with a single sentence, turns her father against her well-fed therapist just like Maeve taught her. Mom Ronnie, who seemed to have just an inkling of awareness of good parenting for just a second there, has her epiphany of seeing Kaylie as she really is blurred like a furry purple vest. Kaylie’s evil plan to get back to the gym and train again is unfolding perfectly. Mwah ha ha ha! Let’s hang that banner on The Rock – Home of Kaylie Cruz, the Greatest Criminal Mastermind Of All Time!
From deep in her hidden lair (formerly Dr. No's Evil Headquarters) Kaylie plots.
Payson , meanwhile, is swinging her shoulders in the mirror and begging mother to not Dorky Mom Dance. This, by extension, can only mean that her mother is perpetually busting out a Dorky Mom Dance since Payson has a name for it. I wonder what that means, ‘Dorky Mom Dance.’ It’s kind of as puzzling a moniker as ‘Learn My Routine.’ Whatever that means. I’m lost.

Dinner at the Cruz household includes Kaylie’s evil buddy Maeve, who is so bewitching that even Ronnie, who was so alert at finding a trash bag of food in Kaylie’s gym bag, is not noticing the girls pick at their plates and avoid taking more food. Wait, I know what it is – it’s that fuzzy purple vest! Ronnie, take the vest off, it’s weighing down your judgment like Superman’s kryptonite necklace! Where’s that wise sage, Austin Tucker, who sees all and knows all when you need him most?

Meow! Pay eats pork chops for breakfast!
Oh, there he is, crawling around on the floor and meowing like a cat to showcase what female sexuality is. Payson is cramming in some extra practice with Austin so she can perfect Lauren’s beam routine and not, I repeat, not get that cute boy Max to pay attention to her. Though she is a technical powerhouse, she has never thought of herself as sexy, and no matter how many scents and hip sways Austin does, she just can’t quite access her feminine side. Austin, however, has clearly been listening attentively to Darbs, as he’s all about dropping into his second chakra. Something tells me Austin is hiding a mystery job just like Emily’s mom does, and that he spends his off hours burning incense at a New Age bookstore, listening to Abraham-Hicks, asking people what the bleep they know, followed by his lecture series on psychology at the local University, then capping off his day with a little brain surgery, a rock gig with the Hong Kong Cavaliers, and fighting off lectroids from the eighth dimension.

Speaking of secret jobs, Emily finds Bambi’s name tag and a pink cocktail napkin now that mom sleeps in the living room, and a quick call from her flip phone at The Rock confirms her worst fears: Mom is working at a strip club. I can’t think of anything more sleazy, disgusting, vile, embarrassing – then the door opens, we hear “Hello!” and in walk Lenny and Squiggy.

Well, not quite, but in walk Maeve and Kaylie in a very Squigtones moment, just as the girls are talking about how they wouldn’t be seeing Kaylie around the gym. Darbs couldn’t be more thrilled to have the real deal lemon peel back, but Austin has his worries about the speed at which Kaylie has returned. It also seems that Kaylie may be turning a corner in this, as buddy Maeve is off to a modeling gig in Italy. She reaches out to the car as it drives away, suddenly alone with her secret. Is she going to confide in someone now? Summer gives it words – we all, in our gut, know what’s right. You know what’s right, Kaylie, you’re just obscuring it with excuses and anger. Austin can’t help you, therapy can’t help you, training can’t help you; it’s all up to you.

IT'S TIME! IT'S TIME TO "LEARN MY ROUTINE"!!! Somewhere Sasha sits in a bar, wondering where it all went so, very wrong.
Bouncy town crier Darby announces that it’s one hour until ‘Learn My Routine,’ which is the perfect time for Emily to follow the new rules of The Rock, in that there are no rules at The Rock, which means she can pick up and leave to find her mother at her night job in the middle of the day. Would that I knew of this strip club when I was sixteen, since a teenager can just walk on in and head up to the fully stocked bar. Emily is furious with her mother, embarrassed, and just can’t believe how much shame she has to put up with, not to mention that the name Chloe is probably just as sexy as the name Bambi so what’s up with the name change?

For a girl who is so dedicated to gymnastics, she sure does skip out on practice this afternoon, though, choosing to wallow in an enormous bathrobe instead of participating in the labyrinthinely worded ‘Learn My Routine.’ Lauren nails Payson’s routine, thanks to Payson’s excellent coaching, and seeing Lauren excel, mouth breathing Max is pretty sure that Lauren is all things Payson and is ready to hit that, when suddenly Payson walks out in a skin tight black outfit, her hair teased up. Max gets chills, they’re multiplying; Payson flicks a lit cigarette on the ground, crushing it with her high heeled shoes, just like Frenchy tells her to do, and it’s goodbye to Sandra Dee.

She’s up on the beam, shaking her bodacious boulder, and bringing seven chakras of hotness, causing Lauren to shrink a little between gape-jawed Max and all-knowing Austin. Max is back to his drooling Payson puppy love ways, and tries to smoothly ask her out with the greatest pick up line in all of Boulder: “I hear there’s this awesome juice joint around here.” Better shape up, Max, cause Payson needs a man.

Sex sells...but who's buying? Daddy's little girl rises like a Phoenix only to descend back into HELL!
Lauren’s bad day is about to get worse, though, since her Dad has pilfered the full Sasha-Payson kiss video from her hard drive and is marching it up to Summer to set the record straight about Lauren's hand in it. Lauren turns on the waterworks and panics, and it looks like Steve is actually going to have a spine. For once, finally, Steve is really going to let Lauren experience the repercussions of her actions, but Lauren, that karma chameleon, convinces him to spare her and let her continue to live her dream. Is this another one of Lauren’s wily ways of pulling wool over Dad’s eyes or has she really learned her lesson this time? And either way, is it really fair to Sasha to keep that video under wraps? The man deserves better. Do the right thing, Steve. Or even better – Lauren, do the right thing. I bet it won’t happen. Poor Sasha. I thought Sonia was the one who got eaten by the wolf.

Well, Kaylie hasn’t learned her lesson, and she’s back yelling at her parents, just like last week. Her training at The Rock remains uncertain, but if we know The Rock girls, she can jump right in and learn and entire routine and excel in it in about a day or two. Look how well Payson and Lauren did. And Emily has been out of practice for a couple of days now but I bet shell be in top form again right away. But will Austin be there for Kaylie to love? Or will he be out leading his Zumba Dance class?

We finally do get to see some real buddies in the end, though, as Emily opens up to Payson about having Spruce Juiced with Damon, and Payson shares that Emily is not as terminally unique as she thinks she is. All the Rock girls have their own pains and struggles to overcome – but just what is it they love most, what is their dream? To be Olympians. That is what they want, above all. And so it shall be, by accepting who they are as they are, and embracing self fully - flawed, sexy, perfectionists all. Are we in time for Kaylie, though? Kaylie, who caves in and calls her wicked friend Maeve as another crutch, another excuse, another way to bear her secret? A call out to a friend – who is no longer there? Maeve has collapsed from heart failure at the Denver airport. Maeve has passed away. Are you listening now, Kaylie?

Model behavior...Or, easy peazy, no one gets out of Denver alive!
What about you? What did you like best about this week’s episode? Do you think Steve will keep the unedited Sasha video under lock and key or will it see the light of day? Is Payson now going to embrace her sexuality? Will Emily forgive her mother for changing her name? And will these girls pull themselves together for the team meet in Dallas next week – the best team in the country? The answers are a Monday away – make it til then, or break it!

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