"Mr. Belov why are we here exactly? And, do you validate parking?"
First Darby, now Emily – is this MIOBI or Harper’s Island? After last week’s brutal and emotionally charged episode, this week’s chapter in the Rocky Mountain Gymnastic Center saga had to handle us with care; a transition episode, really, a sort of Phantom Menace where the seeds are sown for future developments. It was nice to just hang out with the gang and take a bit of a breather, but I gotta tell you, the specter of Emily’s absence hung over the proceedings like the glory of the Old Republic. Can this team, this show, proceed without its anchor, our everywoman Emily? Time will tell.
"Soooooo, we're cool Gene? And, do you validate parking?"
Time that ticks by ominously, as Kaylie sits in Doc Brown’s garage as Einstein gets fed. No, wait, she’s in Dr. Gene’s office, the richest therapist in town, as he just keeps wanting to get rid of patients by telling them they’re “All Fixed”. He’s THAT good - as you will see by the variety of acronyms he’s collected over his years of shrinking heads and lining them up on his shelf like a Shuar warrior later in the show. Kaylie is unconvinced, anxious about returning to elite gymnastics, and the way the room is set up at an angle, it’s no wonder she’s feeling uncentered. But Gene left-handedly writes her off – she came to him with Anorexia, she’s leaving him in recovery. Shoo, Kaylie, shoo. I haven’t seen this much drama about flying out of the nest since Rabbit found Cassie in the Hundred Acre Wood.
Perhaps Gene makes his money on the side designing banners for The Rock, which has added two more to its walls that are all decked out for the press to announce Sasha’s appointment (for no good reason whatsoever) to be coach of the National and World Team. Payson is trying to be all business, which libidinous Lauren dismisses as she sees the return of shutterbug Max, who presumably still has the hots for Payson. Follow that? Repeat it to me. Anyway, all the boys are back in town, as Austin appears out of nowhere to ask Pay about Emily and Kaylie. He’s not sure Kaylie is ready to come back, yet here she is, walking in to the gym for the first time in six weeks, and every crack reporter in Boulder misses it. Though the flashbulbs pop when Kelly Parker enters like Darth Sidious with her new Sith apprentice, Tessa.
Could this be the end of Emily's Olympic Dream?...Or the birth of another in 2028?
Okay, MIOBI nation, who woke up this morning with a case of the “Twisties”? Did we all just see what I think we saw? Is this goodbye – the end – farewell to Emily Kmetko? We’ve seen characters come and go and come back on this show – Marty, Sasha, even Payson’s dad (who surprisingly crops up this episode, lurking around gym camp like Talia Shire in Prophecy); but that montage of scenes from the now-available-on-Amazon.com DVDs of the first three seasons of MIOBI playing behind Emily’s head as she rode the bus to Vegas sure felt final. Was this episode the requiem for Emily’s dream? And if so, where does that leave her poor mom, Chloe? I know just the man to comfort her, and believe me, it isn’t a tieless NGO creep.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. We catch up from last week’s bombshell news that Emily is with child to find her getting a sonogram by a grumpy but non-judgmental OBGYN – NICE WORK Andrea Zuckerman! - as weepy Chloe looks on. Emily is about six weeks in. “How could this happen?” she asks. Well, Emily, you see, when a mommy and a daddy love themselves so very much, the daddy puts his Mr. Happy – oh, wait, Doc Blasé is quick to ask if protection was used. Didn’t these kids see The Last American Virgin? I learned just about everything I needed to know about how to avoid teen pregnancy from that movie. There’s a bit to be learned about pizza delivery as well in that flick, just in case she wants to get back to the Pizza Shack. In any event, she is given pamphlets on her options: keep the baby, put it up for adoption, or end the pregnancy. Big decisions need to be made for Emily.
Sasha don't preach because Em's made up her mind and she's keeping her baby!
Meantime, Sasha Fonzarelli cruises into the Arnold’s parking lot as milkshakes are spilled, necking teenagers fall out through their car doors, and Arnold and his wife greet him in his still-available parking space to thank him for coming back so “things can get back to normal.” We all know how normal things are when Sasha is around; for example, there’s a morning news show taking up half of The Rock with their impromptu set. Sasha is not happy about this publicity encroaching on training, especially because he doesn’t think it will be good for Emily, who bounds in at just that moment to start taking questions. Fortunately, Mrs. Potatohead has packed his angry eyes, so he can glare at her answering hard-hitting questions about whether she can go to Worlds (drink) and how she was a flop in Hungary. Sasha pulls her into the office to ask what the ding-dong she’s doing, and Emily, rational as a teenager, says she’ll decide what to do about her pregnancy when she finds out if she’s even going to Worlds (drink again).
He went out for a borscht and he never came back...
Welcome to The Day After, MIOBI nation, and don’t we all have a Hungary Heart? This new episode had all the makings of a lighthearted adventure romp – part Raiders of the Lost Ark, part Amazing Race, part Catch Me If You Can – but underneath it all was the gnawing fear of loneliness. Don’t make no difference what nobody says – ain’t nobody like to be alone. And even if we choose to be alone, the universe sometimes has other plans for us. So set down your Russian energy drink and grab your six bags of matching Louis Vuitton luggage, because episode 2015 is a trip. So trip out on this!
Severing ties the old fashioned way, in a letter.
If I remember the lessons I learned about mailing letters from the Little Golden Book Seven Little Postmen correctly, the envelope Payson is eying that is sitting in the out box on Kim’s desk is international mail. Kim has no qualms about leaving letters out addressed to Sasha Belov, former Rock Star gym coach that Payson adored, out in plain sight where her daughter can see them. Seems Sasha has some paperwork he needs to sign to officially sever his ties to The Rock and pass the mantle on to Coach Darbs. Payson takes a quick look back at it before she heads out the door. Looks like she really is ready to move on.
At least, ready to move on to stumble in to Steve and Darby arguing in the lobby. Steve has sources – sources! – that tell him the Rock Girls are on the chopping block for Worlds (now drink one shot) and it’s all up to Darby to make things right. Hey, Steve, aren’t you the one who engineered Sasha’s ousting? Aren’t you the one whose daughter leaked the doctored video of Payson and Sasha kissing? Didn’t you have a hand in bringing your daughter’s good friend on to be the new coach? What’s the big woo? Looks like you’re reaping what you sow. But Darby hears and gets the eye of the tiger, and, looking as fierce as Seymour Krelborn, says there’s a new sheriff in town, and her name is Coach Conrad. You all be cool. Right on.
Kaylie, you gonna be alright Girl...Slow connections suck and I don't mean internet connections.
Hello again, MIOBI nation! This week we take a long hard look as our Rock girls come to grips with how they appear to be, who they want to be, and how they really are. It’s an episode of reflections, projections of self onto others, through others, and finally back into their very lives.So if you feel like the new girl and need a friend, don’t look around you – look at yourself. You just might find salvation.
We find Kaylie finding consolation with her furry pink pillows and blankets, still processing the shock of losing her not-quite-a-friend friend, Maeve, whose untimely death at 17 is a four column headline on the internet. The maid that brings the Cruz family hot towels while working out must also spit shine Kaylie’s laptop screen, for as she switches off her display, the monitor becomes a perfect mirror, and where once was Maeve’s face now is Kaylie’s, in the first of many reflection-and-reversal moments this episode offers up.
The following morning, The Rock is all abuzz with word of the impending meet against Dallas, and Darby is doing her Darbyest to get the girls prepared. How? By having one of her gymnasts spend the afternoon shooting photos. It’s waa waa waa Max, who can now photograph Payson out in the open and is following her around, while Lauren, who very clearly called ‘dibs’ on Max, is doing her darnedest to get some of that sweet voyeurism spread her way.
Sweet procrastination! Wait for it...wait for it!
Speaking of sweet voyeurism, Damon is also staring longingly at a computer screen, this one filled with Emily, and trying to be inspired to write his hit songs. Currently his lyrics have to do with staring longingly at a computer screen. I’m guessing the crossed out lyrics in his Moleskin book are something about staring at a blue piano, or a pensive ditty about placing a capo on the second fret. Kaylie, wandering around the house like Jacob Marley, literally pokes her head in the studio, overhearing Damon’s writing process where he writes words and lyrics simultaneously, a one man Hugh Grant/Drew Barrymore hit making machine. He is uninspired, since he is unable to be in the same room as Emily. Kaylie, taking her cue from Damon’s cavalier mentioning that he writes songs about life and death, miraculously sings what she thinks Damon just wrote. But he says that’s not what he just wrote – in fact, it’s BETTER, and inspired. Damon sees Kaylie a whole new way - a way to get out of writing lyrics, apparently. Way to shirk responsibility, Da-mo.
Duck Duck Goose now an Olympic event with an elite training center
Hey, buddy!Can you keep a secret?Let’s hope so, because this week’s episode of Make It or Break It was a fertile ground of secrets to share, secrets to shatter, secrets to uncover, and secrets that kill!Grab some of Kim’s pork chops and pass the corn medley, because there’s quite a meal in Boulder this week, and you’re going to need the buddy system to chew through it.
New coach Darby is once again tapping into her inner pagan by using the classic “Reverse Duck Duck Goose” model of positive reinforcement. The girls of The Rocky Mountain Gymastics Center are sitting in a non hierarchal circle, offering compliments to Payson in the mush pot. Payson and Lauren are doing as good of a job hiding their snippy dislike of being co-captains as they are hiding that they’re ogling the boys on the rings. Darbs has just the solution to this rivalry, in the fan-flippin’-tastically named exercise called ‘Learn My Routine.’ Since it’s entirely unclear by the name, she goes on to explain this is when gymnasts buddy up and learn each others’ routine. I’m hoping later on in the season Darby will straighten out just what goes on at the vaguely named “Pizza Shack,” since I’ve been puzzled just what that name means.
Raise your paw if you think this season is Rocking?
Hello faithful MIOBI-ers, welcome back to the crisp clean air of Boulder, Colorado, where freedom rings. This weeks episode of Make It or Break It covered all things freedom - freedom from rehab, freedom from rules, freedom from parole, freedom from having to spend every free moment at the Pizza Shack and exploring new venues. Hey, anyone want a Spruce Juice? They come in orange and red! But freedom is fleeting and may come with a price. So strap on your leo, chalk up your hands, and pre-visualize your landing, because we are bowing to the powerful goddesses in us all in episode 2012.
Sensitive artist Kaylie contemplates hacking off her ear.
We first find Kaylie with a blank canvas - literally. Forced into rehab slave labor to express herself with art, Kaylie is taking some quick tips from her devilish roommate on how to speak fluent Recovery and get herself out of this sunny hell hole before World Competitions start. Shes already gained three pounds - in attitude! Meanwhile, The Rock gymnasts seem to be doing just fine without a head coach, although one would think those nameless, soundless assistant coaches in red shirts running around in the background with clipboards could raise a finger. When did The Rock become the Starship Enterprise? I just know one of those assistant redshirt coaches are going to be sent on an away mission and beaten up by a Gorn. It is up to the firm but heavy hand of Payson, who has taken on the duties training, cracking the whip over Emily and Lauren while the adorable little girl with the big eyes asks for her to inspire her dreams. But Lauren is back to her evil ways, clubbing seals, kicking dogs, and plotting to bring a ringer in to be the new coach.
And that new coach is former Silver Medal Olympian Darby - whom we will call Darbs with a squeal, and she will jump up and down, grin with more teeth than I've ever seen, and lead us in pagan rituals. An ebullient mix of Eastern philosophy, Plastic Ono Band, and Black Panther, Darbs leads by trust and friendship, rather than such passé things like 'rules' and 'routine.' After all, oppression encourages rebellion. If there's nothing to rebel against, these rogues will just shrug and come in to the gym, won't they?
Payson is not convinced. Nor is Emily, and we are treated to probably the greatest string of reaction shots ever as the two of them take in Lauren's professing to be team coach, now that Kaylie is out of the picture. Pay, fueled by her mother's tradition of serving fresh fruit in clear bowls on her kitchen island, pipes up to say that she should be team captain, not Lauren. She goes on to say if Sasha were there, they would have a competition to decide. Darbs puts the idea to a vote, and the Mini Meet is on! But first, new coach Darby does a solid for every male watcher in the audience that had to sit through Big Hunks last week and does a routine on the bars in a spectacularly complimentary black leo. She also earns some begrudging respect from Payson. Turns out the new coach actually has chops.
Kaylie has a big show to put on herself for the rehab goddess. She has been properly briefed on which buzz words to say and how to say them, and, pulling the wool over this expert's eyes and her parents, she is free to go home. Elated, she is already picking out her outfit for Worlds when she is told that she cannot start training. Free but not free, she is encouraged to pick up another interest like singing. "I hate singing," she says, and we get another fantastic reaction shot from her mother, former pop star Ronnie. By the way, am I the only one dying to hear any of Ronnie's recordings? Is there a Ronnie and Damon duet in the cards?
I hope she likes juice as much as I do? Or, Damon comes back from LA a juice addict.
After all, Damon is back in Boulder. At the Spruce Juice! Turns out he is uninspired writing music in LA and has been sent back to find his muse in Boulder. And there's his muse now, Emily Kmetko, no longer shackled by her ankle-monitoring bracelet and free from that pesky probation officer (farewell, Marsha Clark! We hardly knew ya). With the relaxed hippy rules Darbs has for The Rock nowadays, Emily is free to date, free to have a boyfriend, free to give up her virginity. What a relief!
Love is in the air everywhere, and we check in with Lauren's father Steve, who, I kid you not, says to Summer, "before I destroyed your faith in me, we had something special. Didn't we?" What a smooth talker! Or maybe it's that see-through red wine he's serving. Should have let that bottle ferment a little longer, Steve. Summer swoons, though, but shes got a caveat: Steve can keep nothing from her ever again. No lies, no nothing. This suits the changed Steve, who's got an announcement to make,and by simply calling over his shoulder, his mighty voice echoes through the entire house, interrupting the slumber party Lauren and Darby are having. Seems Darbs and LoLo were BFFs years ago at NGO camp, and now Darby is staying with the Tanners, looking gorgeous in her jammies while Lauren reads BM magazine. Seriously? Did she swipe that from Kaylie's rehab? Does that girl have no morals whatsoever? Apparently not, as she plants more seeds of rumor about Payson and Sasha in Darby's willing ears. But Lauren plods down the hall to get the news that it's official - Steve and Summer are back together. Which instantly means to Lauren that they are getting married and she has a mommy now! Maybe it was just me, but it kind of looked like Summer was still thinking about being all over Sasha in that tight office at The Rock.
I think they're finally gonna do it! LET'S GET READY TO TUMBLE!!
Emily returns home from a magical evening reclined in the front seat of Damon's car, wishing on shooting stars. She enters her front door to find the man who works at night, Don Draper lite from the NGO, who was looking less suave this week and more like Phil Dunphy playing dress-up. I think he's popping by in the middle of the night trying to catch Chloe in her work outfit again. He comes bearing a restrictive, no-life contract and an ultimatum: Emily, if you are to be on the National Team, you are to do nothing but practice at the gym and go home. No boyfriends. No job. No eating. No breathing. No blogging. And most of all, no virginity losing. Of course, its up to her. With the freedom of choice, she can choose to sign the contract, or she can choose to be happy with the love of her life, droopy-eyed, messy haired Damon. Whats a dedicated Pizza Shack employee to do?
The pains of being pure at heart.
I know - get in touch with The Source! Yes, dippy Darby is dripping in Dharma in the get-here-whenever-you-can morning practice, but she's doing a bang-up job guiding a morning meditation because everyone there is so actively attuned to the underlying silence that they are completely unobservant of Emily and Paysons outside voice conversation happening right next to them. Hey, redshirt assistant coach that's just the sort of obliviousness that gets guys like you eaten by a Horta!
Speaking of eating, Mrs. Cruz is thrilled to distract her daughter from her illness by opening up the secret vault in this enormous mansion they live in so that Kaylie has a room to work on art. Little did we know the gold record hanging in the living room was just one piece of memorabilia in the Ronnie empire; Casa de Cruz has an entire recording studio in the west wing, overflowing with magazine covers, awards, more gold records, and a larger-than-life size standee of a younger, bigger haired Ronnie, taken in the olden days before red eye reduction was freely available. With a twinge of regret, Ronnie goes to get a single cardboard box to pack up just the things that are in the way, but Kaylie has already started by tossing - I think it may be an Telly trophy or some carved ice - into the framed "Legs Only" gold record on the wall. Seems Kaylie is trying to make a point to her dad - she's healthy! She's well! She needs to train! She's an athlete! Only Dad can understand that! I'm beginning to see how Lauren and Kaylie got to be such close friends. Come back, sweet Kaylie from seasons past, we miss you. Here's hoping you actually get some recovery because you are getting less healthy by the minute.
Visualize...Actualize!
Back at The Rock, the sage, crystals, and scented candles are tucked away for the big competition between Lauren and Payson to determine who will be team captain. We learn a bit about Payson's process she envisions herself doing her routine before she does so whereas Lauren just hops on up and runs in recklessly. But look at Payson go! Emily is there, cheering her on, and I cant help but be impressed once again by the ability of this show to make momentous occasions go by just like they do in real life. Things just happen sometimes, and we're not aware of how big the occasion is until time and perspective put it into place. It was just over a year ago that Payson was in a back brace, told she could never do gymnastics again, slumming around with a cheerful glasses-wearing public school nerd. (Who I miss desperately - can we get Heather back on the show? Love her!) And now, without Sasha, without her parents, without Counselor Troi looking on, she performs a flawless parallel bar routine for the first time since her accident. And then, unceremoniously, she moves on to the beam. I don't know about you, but I leapt from my seat Payson Keeler has returned! Let's hope she doesn't start screwing around with that vexing shutterbug boy and ruin everything.
Whatevs...Daddy's little girl.
The big competition ends in a tie, thanks to Lauren actually doing what Lauren does best - rocking on the beam. I love when Lauren is good at gymnastics; she talks such smack, and she is a whiny baby most of the time, but when she gets up and delivers the goods, I can almost forgive her. Well, except for the clubbing baby seals part. Darbs cant honor just one goddess so she makes both winners co-captains, much to the anger of Lauren. She storms home to daddy to pull the you-let-my-mom-die card on him again, enumerating the sacrifices she has made, including spilling the beans about her masterminding the leaking of the Sasha-Payson kiss picture to the NGO. Oops - looks like Steve has a big choice to make. He spoke pretty large about kicking the person out of The Rock who let the photo out and he's promised to not lie to Summer. Who gets his trust now - baby Lauren or lovey Summer?
We close out on Kaylie's continued descent into the dark side, as her evil roommate from rehab eggs her on to grab a little Damon action. Emily has confided in Kaylie that Damon is back in town over some Spruce Juice, and he has given so much of himself to Emily, and she has given him nothing in return. Kaylie has the perfect idea - why not give him Mom's recording studio? That way he can finish his record in Boulder and I can get my fantasy Damon / Ronnie single! Or wait - is Kaylie going to be singing with Damon? I know I should be happy for Emily and Damon, but when Emily shows up at his well-appointed hipster apartment to say she is signing the contract and swearing off boys until the NGO says she can date again, I felt a foreboding. She's not going to sign the contract until she gives Damon her most special prize. Fade to black as Damon gets his wish from the shooting star.
Oh, Emily. Has Lauren taught you nothing? Has your mother? Is this going to end well for Damon and Emily? Will Kaylie move her exercise walker into the recording studio? Will Steve do what is right? Is Darby's loosey goosey coaching style actually going to work? Who coaches the inner goddesses of the boys, anyway? We're just getting started this season and things are already churning up, MIOBI-style. Can't wait for more. Namaste!
'Make It or Break It" is back with new challenges, new villains, and a new hunk who can see the light.
Welcome, Rockers - let's get ready to Tummmmbbllllle! The new season of MIOBI has finally started, and we here at “What Duvet Said…” plan on following it closely from start to finish each and every week both here and on the podcast. So let's get started with episode 2011, shall we?
The “New Normal” in Boulder seems a lot like the Old Normal as we find the Rock Girls - dedicated Payson, slippery Lauren, underdog Emily, and princess Kaylie - walking in four abreast to the Rocky Mountain Gymnastics Center for another demanding practice. Barely fifteen seconds into the show and Kaylie is already crossing her arms, pointing out the sacrifices these elite gymnasts need to make to get Olympic gold. But not all is as it seems this dark night, as suddenly the boys reveal themselves to be vampires, taking Payson down first and then taking a bite out of Lauren. Kaylie makes a dash for it, only to be blocked by her towering object of affection, Tucker Carlson - who also turns out to be a vampire, with an equally fanged Emily by his side. Fortunately, Sasha comes screaming up in one of those shiny expensive cars everyone on this show gets to drive, and they're off to be safe; that is, until Kaylie reveals herself to be a red eyed vampire herself!
Fortunately, it's all a dream (And it was all seen on the MIOBI YouTube Channel this past week). Unfortunately, it's not the dream that Kaylie has been living her whole life to fulfill. What makes a dream and what makes reality is the theme that runs through this first episode, as each of the girls have to grapple with their fantasy, idealized lives that seem so out of reach. Kaylie is not back at The Rock at all; she is sequestered away in the Willow Glen Eating Disorder Rehab (the charming stone announcing the locale is featured prominently enough in this episode to lead me to believe we'll be seeing much more of this establishing shot in episodes to come). And she is actually getting good help - if she'd only listen. The leader of her group therapy - rightfully so - points out that in dreams, every other person in the dream is really just an aspect of self. This line of analysis is quickly - and incorrectly - interrupted by Kaylie's new bunkmate, who asks about Kaylie's dream attack on Sasha as if he were a real person. I'm thinking that this girl isn't really paying attention and may not be the best pal for Kaylie.
Drama? What drama?
But we are off to the dream that is Boulder, Colorado, and each aspect of the Team Self that is the individuals, getting out of their respective cars in the exact same way, reminding us of where we left them off last season: Emily, free from her jail stint, now has to report to a probation officer (played by veteran voiceover artist and friend of the “What Duvet Said…” Podcast Marsha Clark); Payson is pouting about her loss of Sasha, as her mother Kim soothes with the soothingest voice on television; and Lauren, who can't forgive her father for letting her mother die, has been living with Summer, where we can only guess she's not knocking boots with Carter. All gaze longingly at the amazingly poor upkeep the grounds crew at the Rock seem to do, as they are quick to raise signs when gymnasts arrive, but can't be bothered to take down reserved parking signs when someone leaves. "Tell you what, boys, let's just lay down some green plastic across the parking spaces and hope no one notices." "Good plan; I've got to get to the Pizza Shack, after all."
There's a new face to the National Gymastics Organization, a sort of caffeine free Don Draper wannabe who wants to keep a sharp eye on Emily to make sure she's - well, I'm not entirely sure; to pass judgement on Mrs. Kmetko, apparently, by showing up at 9pm at the Kmetko residence to shame Chloe for going to work at 9pm. Hey, pot - meet kettle! He may be on to something, though, as part of Emily's probation requires her to wear an ankle monitoring bracelet if she leaves Boulder. I may not be a fashion expert, but in my day, we called those anklets. I'm just saying. Don Draper Lite has got his finger on the pulse of the Kmetkos, since Emily blames her mother for the whole arrest thing anyway. I expect more from a girl who keeps stuffed animals on her bed right there in the living room where anyone can see them. And wouldn't you know it, there's a big exhibition going on in Denver, so Emily is shackled, in full view of the whole gym.
Fresh meat...meet Max.
So off to Denver we go, where Hunky is what's for dinner. We immediately meet the new “Hot Boy In Town” - since I guess Nick has been unceremoniously thrown out with the trash. This new boy is Max, and is he ever. He's an aspiring shutterbug with just the sexiest amount of Peeping Tom Stalker going on with him. We also see the return of Kelly Parker, who is so much more appealing when she doesn't have her hair up in her devil horn pigtails. Turns out Carter, Kaylie's ex and Lauren's former “meditation roommate”, has left The Rock entirely and is now swinging on Kelly Parker's rings. Guess the girls of the Denver Elite didn't get Summer's abstinence speech.
It's all a ploy, though, as Carter still has the hots for Lauren and she for him, which they express demonstratively by dirty dancing with Kelly and Max, respectively. Turns out Max is a gymnast, too, and he's trying to decide whether to go train in Denver or train in Boulder at The Rock. Anyone taking a look at his digital camera would get a pretty good idea of where his beam is balanced.
At the very least he should stick with his separated-at-birth friend Tucker, who is the wisest Sage in all gymnasticdom. First he rightfully gives Emily perspective on her panicky pill-stealing crime, shifting the blame on Emily's shoulders instead of her externalizing it to her mother, which she quickly dismisses and storms off; then, when he finally goes to visit Kaylie in her rehab, he sticks to Recovery 101 by saying they cannot have a relationship until she's on the mend. Where did this guy get all his smarts, anyway? I sure hope he and Kaylie get together; he's a good egg. Even better, let Emily drop the Damon fantasy and get her with Tucker, he's way into her. Come on, ABC Family website, where's my poll for that!
Kelly Parker must have spent a good three minutes forgetting she was supposed to be screwing with The Rock Girls' heads so she needles Payson just enough to spill out the information that Sasha is in Denver. Payson instantly runs to get him, though she is soothed by those soothing smooth sounds of mom again. Just in time, too, as Max can find her and start taking even more pictures of her, since obviously the internet video he has instantly available on his cell phone isn't enough for him. By the way, who DID post that video on the internet? Could it be...
Sasha before the bruising...
...Rocky Belov?! There's our boy Sasha, taking his lumps in a boxing ring, supposedly just waiting out his time until his visa comes through. His dreams are shattered, too, like so many Romanian Bella Swans; he didn't expect his girls to end up in an ambulance and in jail. And this is where we leave him - reflected, reversed in a mirror as he says his goodbye to Payson's mother. The dream is over, just like Payson's dream as she walked away without him, just like Emily's dream as she wears the anklet, just like Kaylie's dream is being thwarted locked away in sunny rehab. Lauren, uhhh...she seems to sleep just fine, actually, although she dreams up ways to shift the blame of the leaked Sasha / Payson kiss video.
Finally, though, we arrive to what we always love on MIOBI - a big gymnastics challenge, pitting the scandalous, distracted, emotionally flawed Rock Girls against the overly confident, sparkly shiny Denver Elite, led by the evil Kelly Parker and her horny head, in a sunny Denver courtyard where they're so keen on courting the 2018 Olympics back to America that they've moved Century City all the way to Colorado. Wise Old Tucker has come up with a satisfying plan to conceal Emily's anklet - leg warmers - for all! Which is just the perfect idea until it turns out, oh, leg warmers only work right side up. Emily does a handstand and, caught by the camera eye of Max (who I guess was trying to shoot Payson through Emily's leg), her monitoring device is revealed for all to see. Cut the music!
Cue the music! It's time for Max to drop his camera, his shirt, and his wishy-washiness about where he's going to train, because look at him go! He's out there flipping and jumping and showing the crowd just what a great gym the Rock is, even without a lime green leo. It's enough to get applause, but it's not enough for Emily, who, ever the heroine, and boy do we love our Emily, she takes the mic right out of the emcee's hand mid sentence to declare to the crowd she stole, but she is more of a Jean Valjean kind-of -thief than a James Caan kind-of-Thief. And yeah, she loves her mother. So much so that Lauren thinks she should love her only parent, too.
Something wicked this way comes to Boulder.
A floating camera song montage gives us closure to last season's cliffhangers - Emily, out of jail but not out of the woods, gets her own room now; Lauren moves back in with her father, who has taken over at The Rock and has flip-flopped once again in his weaselly Steve way to be Mr. Sasha Belov supporter; Payson tucks Sasha's medal away in a drawer as she is ready to move on to Maximum Hunkydrive; and Kaylie, beautiful, underfed, misguided Kaylie is ready to get out of rehab and get back to her dreams. Looks like her doe eyed roommate is just the snake to get her out of there. That dastardly runway model has tricked her way out of three rehab facilities already!
Is Kaylie falling further down the rabbit hole? Will she get the help she needs? Doesn't she watch Josie Loren's public service announcements? Is anyone other than Damon going to find out about Emily's mother's cleavage-baring night job? Will Steve hire a new coach? Why not Sasha's father, anyway? Who will get Sasha's old parking space? How long is Emily's probation and will the NGO dismiss her because she doesn't have a big fancy house? Will Lauren get outed as the perpetrator of getting out the Sasha video, and if so, will her dad throw her out of The Rock as threatened? Why is Emily's hair black this season and not that golden brown it was last season? Will Payson finally start paying attention to boys - this one boy, in particular? Will these dreams go on when I close my eyes? What do YOU think? Hit us up, let us know, and tune in next week to find out more! Also listen to our crack analysis on this week's “The Tank” podcast. Rock on, Duvetians!
