|"Mr. Belov why are we here exactly? And, do you validate parking?"|
|"Soooooo, we're cool Gene? And, do you validate parking?"|
Perhaps Gene makes his money on the side designing banners for The Rock, which has added two more to its walls that are all decked out for the press to announce Sasha’s appointment (for no good reason whatsoever) to be coach of the National and World Team. Payson is trying to be all business, which libidinous Lauren dismisses as she sees the return of shutterbug Max, who presumably still has the hots for Payson. Follow that? Repeat it to me. Anyway, all the boys are back in town, as Austin appears out of nowhere to ask Pay about Emily and Kaylie. He’s not sure Kaylie is ready to come back, yet here she is, walking in to the gym for the first time in six weeks, and every crack reporter in Boulder misses it. Though the flashbulbs pop when Kelly Parker enters like Darth Sidious with her new Sith apprentice, Tessa.
This disturbance in the Force is not enough to distract Lauren, who is so blind with love that she hands out Kaylie’s unsealed pink envelope invitation to Payson and Payson’s to Kaylie. She’s planning a surprise wedding shower for Summer, even though Summer isn’t wearing her engagement ring. Could it be that her stammering around Sasha is an indication of second thoughts? Or is she just nervous about revealing her master plot to go through all the men at The Rock alphabetically? Sasha has no time to be tongue tied, though, the press is here, and the boys jog over to hear him announce that Kelly Parker is replacing Emily, much to Lauren’s chagrin. He also takes a moment to tell Kaylie she’s not going to Worlds, now DRINK!
|Trust us ladies, you may not want an envelope Lauren has licked. Or, come to my Mommy Party!!|
Or if you’re into long term games, drink every time someone heads over to The Thinking Bench (full disclosure: The Thinking Bench is Bob Duvet’s new favorite character and hopes to see more storylines focused around it),which Kaylie does this week, trailed by incestuous Austin who can’t decide if he has the hots for Kaylie or if he loves her like a sister. Kaylie is steadfast in her recovery and says she will accept what Sasha tells her about not competing. Austin is still not convinced. Why can’t he talk to women like he talks with Max, in pop music shorthand? It was so much easier to understand Max in the gym as he talked about Payson. “Payson’s all Katy Perry,” says Max. “Get all Young MC on her,” says Austin. Problem solved. Now, you dear reader, pull a Keith Moon.
It wouldn’t be a week at The Rock without a competition, so Sasha announces he’s holding auditions to fill Kaylie’s spot on the Worlds team, and he will pick two people. Why two people, you ask? Because every Jedi needs a padawan, of course, and Kelly Parker, who has perfect endurance and flexibility from feeling Carter’s Force flowing through her, knows just the person to be on the team: Tessa, her evil twin with the matching hairstyle. Sasha tells her he won’t play favorites – and turns and walks away. DRINK GODD@#N IT!
Meanwhile, Kaylie is trick-or-treating in her own house, knocking on the studio door to find Damon recording his guitar and vocals simultaneously, a kind of 21st century Edie Brickell, and she wants to know why he’s here and not with Emily. Damon saps that it’s always all about Emily and she didn’t even tell him where she went, and Kaylie blames herself, revealing that she told Emily about their meaningless kiss. Damon is deflated – how could it not mean something when we made such beautiful music together? Damon’s running his own personal version of The Bachelor, giving his rose to both girls.
|MEEP! MEEP! Wile E. Max thwarted at the bridge again! I should have used Spruce Juice instead of birdseed!|
Kaylie, who has been banned to the weight room, is innocently doing flips on the beam, which flips out Sasha who sends her away in a scene reminiscent of every single morning in my home when my dog hops up on the couch and I have to tell her to get down. Lauren still hasn’t found the time to seal the envelopes she’s handing out, although I guess she’s been busy changing the invites to read the party is this Friday instead of next Friday, because the faster she gets Summer married, the quicker –uhh…the quicker she…I’m not entirely sure. She sure wants Summer and Steve to get married, though, and Kim, ever the voice of reason, heads up to the office to out-notebook Summer. Kim’s mighty 3 ring binder is too much for Summer’s spiral to handle, so Summer reveals that she is engaged to Steve and just can’t tell everyone yet. And by everyone she means Sasha. And by surprise party, Kim means spoiler party, as she spills the beans about Lauren’s John Hughes themed plans. Hope Duckie will be there! Drink just because it makes this recap go down that much smoother.
By the way, get ready to drink as Damon goes to talk with Chloe, who dismisses his selfish ramblings about his own dreams by walking away from him. I’m not sure that apartment is big enough for that to be an effective strategy. But it seems to have an impact on him, and I can never get enough Chloe, so I’d like to think this scene was just for me. Thanks, MIOBI writer’s room. You can go about your business. Move along. Oh! And, have a drink on me!
|Write a sappy ballad about how I KICKED YOUR ASS!!|
Now, being an avid follower of this show, much hullaballoo was made about this punch before the episode aired, and quite frankly, I was hoping for a George McFly – Biff Tannen kind of punch. At least, something in Damon’s cocky jaw. But Austin really is a master, knowing just the right way to hit someone so there’s no visible bruising. Is there nothing Austin doesn’t know? Like the location of the secret Rebel base? I’ll give you a hint – it’s not on Dantooine. This fracas causes Kaylie to fess up to Payson that she don’t want to be no Cinderella waiting in a dark cold dusty cellar and she’d rather rescue herself. So she states her thesis that she will fight to get on the Worlds team. Drink! Because that is what Sasha must be doing every night after coaching these ingrates who refuse to follow direction.
The conspirators meet at the most clandestine place in town, the extremely popular Spruce Juice, which has made money hand over fist by the town of Boulder and can finally afford their own logo cups. They hatch a plan to meet after hours in the gym to train – hey, isn’t that what Emily and Damon used to do? – and before they can even finish their sprucey juices, they’re on their way out the door. Someone better snap up that table, because it’s the only place on the patio that isn’t being ravaged by the wind. Before they go, though, Lauren catches sight of a photo of Payson on the wall. Looks like Max is getting his work shown, and he wants to show off Payson. Remind me when this starts to get creepy?
|Princess Leia from hell spills beans to Solo...Or, DRINK!|
Somehow Max found out, too, because he’s there to see Sasha show up and powerfully lay down the law without taking his hands out of his pockets. The girls protest, saying he should just watch her, but Sasha sticks to his guns, turning to go, only to be blocked by the Barbarian Brothers. He agrees to see one apparatus, which Kaylie does tentatively at first as Pay and Lauren mime her routine along with her. But then Obi-Wan Kenobi’s voice echoes in her ear, telling her to use the Force – well, actually, telling her to trust herself, and I think it was Jedi Master Gene’s voice – and Kaylie executes the cleanest routine on the uneven bars Sasha has ever seen. He still won’t bow down, though, saying it’s not the physical ability he’s worried about. He doesn’t want to be responsible for Kaylie’s emotional state, taking a page from Howard Stern’s anxiety about letting Artie back on the show. Drink for Gene wringing more screen time than Bob Duvet’s beloved Thinking Bench – both of which are ripe for a spinoff. Maybe, Gene hosts sessions on the magical thinking bench - think Mr. Ed meets Bob Newheart. Now DRINK!
All the girls go home to bed; Payson, to hear from calm Spruce Juice loving Kim that “admiring” a boy does not necessarily equal having “mutual admiration” (i.e SEX), which then leads to giving up gymnastics; and Lauren, to read Chubby Bride magazine, which talks about relatable women topics such as being an Elf ranger in Dungeons and Dragons or being Tom Brady in Madden Football. Summer comes in to say she has something she wants to share, but Lauren, taking in Max and Austin’s way of speaking from bands, gets all Me First on Summer and tells her she wants Summer to legally adopt her, and then Summer will be her real mom, no longer made of wood. Summer is touched and hugs Lauren, but the expression on her face is akin to finding out that Lauren has just eaten the fish on flight 209. Drink for Summer…she’s gonna need more than Spruce Juice to cage this hellcat.
|Now we can all not listen to Sasha all the way to Worlds TOGETHER!!! Sasha's Ingrates|
Finally creepy Max stalks Payson in the parking lot to find out if she saw the photo at the Spruce Juice, and Payson tells him she can’t be thinking about boys. She just needs to focus and if they could just be friends, that would be fine, and Max falls to his music quoting self to channel Bette Midler to say that’s fine with him. Because he strikes me as a big fan of Beaches. Nonetheless, Lauren, the most schizophrenic character in television history, is waiting for him on the driver’s side door to give him an open mouth kiss, and Max is all too eager to return the favor.
This just leaves a sweaty shirtless Sasha working out in the dark, which hypnotizes Summer into telling him that she really is engaged to Steve. Sasha takes it fine, and she walks away to her unsurprise party, putting on her engagement ring as the credits roll, surrounded by the prettiest in pinks. So what do we think, MIOBI Nation? Are we going to catch up with Damon and Emily in Las Vegas before the season’s end? Is Summer really moving into happily ever after? Will Payson be okay with Lauren and Max locking lips? And will Kaylie get on the Worlds team? Only three weeks left until the big two-hour season finale – what could possibly go wrong? Hit up Costco because you’re gonna need a bigger bottle of hooch! And in the meantime, be sure to listen to last week's podcast featuring our exclusive interview with Kaylie Cruz herself as Josie Loren sits in for some intense questioning - listen here: http://tiny.cc/wjsxr