|Could this be the end of Emily's Olympic Dream?...Or the birth of another in 2028?|
But I’m getting ahead of myself. We catch up from last week’s bombshell news that Emily is with child to find her getting a sonogram by a grumpy but non-judgmental OBGYN – NICE WORK Andrea Zuckerman! - as weepy Chloe looks on. Emily is about six weeks in. “How could this happen?” she asks. Well, Emily, you see, when a mommy and a daddy love themselves so very much, the daddy puts his Mr. Happy – oh, wait, Doc Blasé is quick to ask if protection was used. Didn’t these kids see The Last American Virgin? I learned just about everything I needed to know about how to avoid teen pregnancy from that movie. There’s a bit to be learned about pizza delivery as well in that flick, just in case she wants to get back to the Pizza Shack. In any event, she is given pamphlets on her options: keep the baby, put it up for adoption, or end the pregnancy. Big decisions need to be made for Emily.
|Sasha don't preach because Em's made up her mind and she's keeping her baby!|
As all this transpires, Kaylie again appears at the recording studio door like Muppet Scooter telling Damon how many seconds until curtain whilst Damon has had time to perfect his smolder. He unsubtly remarks the two of them have something hot going on since his flaky record company has gone gaga over Kaylie’s singing voice, and off they go to the blue piano to write a new song for guitar. Kaylie has got lyrics and a melody going lickety split, which she can sing right away, again. She starts to feel like she can find something in life that brings her joy other than gymnastics, another wonderful stepping stone in her road of recovery, which Damon ickily uses to start the full court press on his seduction. “Perfect is boring. That’s not what being an artist is all about…Love shouldn’t have to be so hard. Some people just click.” Kaylie, building a small-scale model of Devil’s Peak out of her mashed potatoes, starts to think something else is going on here, and it makes her uncomfortable. Methinks Damon left LA because Boulder may be the only market in the country for his sap-addled odes to under-age love. How old is Damon anyway? Should NBC’s Chris Hanson be notified?
|Please don't bang on the protective glass, it's for you own safety...Or, WTF?!?!|
Back at Casa Kmetko, Chloe has read all the brochures and is rattling off statistics to Emily, trying desperately to help, even though she doesn’t raise a finger to assist folding the laundry. Emily is disgusted and disappointed – she has ended up just like her mother, pregnant as a teenager. There is a touching and rather deep conversation between the two of them about when life actually begins, when the soul enters a body, and if there even is such a thing as a soul. For a moment it looks like Emily has made her decision, that there is nothing wrong with terminating her pregnancy. What’s the holdup? She hasn’t told Damon. How many times do I have to tell her to watch The Last American Virgin? Twice, apparently. Still won’t listen, that Emily.
|Gene Genie grants Kaylie one wish...then turns all glittery in the sunlight.|
Lauren’s angst about Summer’s rebuttal of Daddy is manifesting itself in a case of “The Twisties”, which Sasha says is your body adding a twist against your will, which, in case you missed the sound of that enormous bell ringing, is the metaphor for the entire series. I thought “The Twisties” had something to do with black-lit rooms, lava lamps, and Pink Floyd - who knew? He says he’ll train Lauren privately in the morning, assuring her that she is safe with him and that nothing inappropriate happened between Payson and him. Simultaneously, Summer is segregating Sharpies, a peculiar pastime that doesn’t get past the watchful eye of Kim, who keys in that maybe Summer might still have feelings for Sasha. Even though Summer’s purse is already in her outbox, she decides to stay and see if Sasha’s morality compass points towards her magnetic pole. Unfortunately, it’s at just this moment when Sasha decides to confide in her about Emily’s bun oven, news that Summer takes surprisingly in stride, until Sasha reveals he wants Emily to terminate the pregnancy and realize her hard fought dream of getting to the Olympics. This is nonnegotiable sacred turf for Summer, being devoutly Christian, and she instantly heads to Steve to accept his marriage proposal without bothering to ask what his stance on early term abortion is. God has called Summer, like Father Damien Karras from the Exorcist, to drive the Devil out of Lauren. Another healthy relationship blooms in Boulder.
Hey, anybody miss Darby?
|The "New" Clive Davis signs Kaylie Cruz to his Jive Records...Or, so you wanna be a Sap -n- Roll star?|
Things are starting to look fair to unfair Emily, as Phil Dunphy’s cousin from the NGO has found Emily’s missing jacket and, for no good reason whatsoever, says she’s back on the Worlds team (drink). Emily bolts, and fortunately, someone has moved that bench from Maeve’s church and stuck it outside The Rock so she can sit and collect herself. She shares with unsympathetic Payson her predicament, and Pay rightfully calls her out on all her bull: how many opportunities she’s had that she’s squandered, how many times she’s eaten her cake, how many second and third chances she’s had. Emily says she just needs a friend, which is not what she’s saying at all. She just wants someone to feel sorry for her. She doesn’t feel like she’s as good as everyone says she is. Emily, I’m telling you right now – your hair is terrific. I missed it earlier this season, but this episode, it’s back in its shiny glory. Accept your good.
|Rock Star 101: Father child. CHECK! Or, I smell an albums worth of sap coming on strong.|
This morning also finds Lauren getting rid of “The Twisties”, thanks to Sasha’s attention and his ability to carry around his flatware, plateware, cereal, and folding chairs on his motorcycle. They both learn a little bit about each other as coach and gymnast, and Lauren decides that the full video of Sasha and Payson in the gym has been secretly hidden long enough in the top shelf of the drawer right as you walk in her room, so she ships it off in a padded envelope to the NGO, no return address. Hope those two forever stamps are enough postage. What ring of Dante’s Inferno does coaching The Rock girls fall under?
|Recovery is SOOOO Much FUN!!! What Evs Maeve!|
But, as the Zombies sang so eloquently, she’s not there. Chloe is a wreck, and I know someone who can comfort her, but she shuts the door on the girls after telling them Emily has gone to Las Vegas to be with her godmother – a former “showgirl” who goes by the name Nomi Malone, now working as a cardsharp and three-card Monte dealer just outside of Henderson. She has chosen to have the baby. The girls don’t know what to do, so they drive up to NGO camp and start a fire, which Payson irresponsibly wants to just leave burning so they can go home. Payson forgot Smokey’s Golden Rule, “only gymnasts can prevent forest fires.” They discover the initials they had carved in the log years before – the three of them, and Emily’s added initials when they bonded here more recently. Kaylie makes her decision right then and there – she wants to return to training, and the girls all embrace. With that, all the parents – except Kaylie’s dad, who’s probably sitting in his bachelor apartment drinking beer and watching old videos of his baseball days while listening to Springsteen’s “Glory Days”– emerge from the forest as if Bambi had just been born, sharing the news that for no good reason, Sasha is now the coach for the Worlds team! These happy days are yours and mine, happy days.
Are they? For there goes Emily, riding away by herself, full of child, whether it has a soul or not. And the memories of all she has strived for, all the success she had, all the friendships she made, float through her memory like a Poison video. She has made her decision, and is leaving Damon, The Rock, her mom, even her brother for whom she went to the pokey caring for but didn’t even get a goodbye. Do we get one? How many “Twisties” does it take to get to the center of a MIOBI episode? Is this it for Emily Kmetko? Do we only have three Rock girls now, the three we started with, gold, silver, and bronze? Say it ain’t so, Emily. Say it ain’t so.
|"A Star Is Born" for the iGeneratrion! "New Kristofferson & Streisand" minus the beards, chest hair, jumpsuits, kinky hair, and "Twisties"...|